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Hello neighbour...

August 14th 2014 08:20

by huttriverofnz
​

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn predictive text. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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Father's ashes...

August 12th 2014 08:49
fathers,ashes,vase,lazy,
They have father's ashes in them...
by huttriverofnz

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.


He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.
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Still believing in genies

August 9th 2014 05:58
still,believing, in genies,
Still believing in genies...
.

: A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?
'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
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Take the poison now...

July 31st 2014 07:48
Humour for friday:

take,poison,now,rabbi,wife,
Take the poison...

[ Click here to read more ]
18
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A Chicken day....

July 23rd 2014 08:07
Chicken Crossing the Road Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway


[ Click here to read more ]
18
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Charm School...

July 19th 2014 06:22
18
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Bump, bump, bump...

July 14th 2014 07:16
19
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Experimental pill...

July 9th 2014 10:11
magic,pill,love,restaurant,
A magic pill for the lovers...



[ Click here to read more ]
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A thought for the week...

July 5th 2014 06:01
thought,for,the,week,
A thought for the week...


"There are those who believe that destiny rests on the knees of the gods; but the truth is that it confronts the conscience of man with a burning challenge


[ Click here to read more ]
19
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drink,water,brain,14%
Drink a glass of water...

If you’re struggling to come up with the answers, then a glass of water could be the best solution.

[ Click here to read more ]
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